It looks like we finally have a new contender for the worst mug shot ever. I never thought I would see the day, but I think he beats Nick Nolte. It's a close one, but I think The Godfather of Soul wins out.
They must use the same pomade.
They're kinda nutty out here in Minnesota. Here are two crazy kids that braved -8 degree weather to walk around downtown St Paul.
I'm nominating today, January 24th, to be National Change Your Message Day. A day when you can delete that old, stale voice-mail greeting. I've been listening to most of my friends same old voice-mail message for years. I'm sick of it. Change it. Keep it fresh. If you're going to have the discourtesy to send someone (namely, me) to the end button, at least provide a voice-mail message that hasn't been left unchanged for generations.
Go ahead. Do it. Do it now. RIGHT now.
I'd also like to nominate Ben Kingsley for Best Actor for The House of Sand and Fog. Excellent acting. Excellent movie. His best work since Sexy Beast.
Now let's break that word down by syllables. C'mon. It'll be fun.
NU - CLE - AR
The President of The United States of America. Leader of the Free World.
Nu - Cue - Lar
Nucular.
The President of the United States of America.
Nucular.
I'm disgusted.
And what the hell was that about professional athletes on drugs? Is this a major issue? A key factor in the state of our union?
Stuff must be a lot better than I thought!
American kids getting killed every day overseas? American families struggling to make the mortgage? Unemployment? Mounting deficit? Nucular weapons in the hands of our enemies?
Are you KIDDING ME? We've got ATHLETES RIGHT HERE IN THE GOOD OL' USA SPENDING THEIR MILLIONS OF DOLLARS ON STEROID INJECTIONS! It's an outrage.
I don't know about you, but George W Bush has MY vote. Finally - Somebody is going to get something DONE about those professional ball players.
I’ll certainly rest more easily tonight knowing that this issue will be swiftly dealt with by the highest office in the land.
The Welcome Wagon Lady came today - A small, 60ish, grandmotherly lady with a bag of goodies just for me. I invited her in and her gaze immediately went to a large painting of a nude masturbating woman that was recently given to me.
The Welcome Wagon Lady didn't say anything.
She did, however, go through the bag of CRAP that she handed me and also had herself in a laminated notebook. I can get a free tire rotation at somebody's auto repair or go to church at this place down the street. I should use this chiropractor and if I go to American Express for my financial planning, I get 25.00 off. And a map of Hopkins.
What a Neely. I wanted fresh-baked brownies.
I'm doing things backwards - But at least I'm doing things. I wrote before how I pulled up the carpet to reveal some crappy vinyl flooring and then again how I pulled up the vinyl flooring to reveal some old hardwoods.
I got a dude to come in and he said they could easily be re-finished and I gave him some money and he sanded 'em down and poly-coated them. I LOVE the result. I also discovered that the same hardwoods are directly under the carpet in the computer room, and probably under the cork that's under the carpet in the other rooms downstairs.
Today Dave and Ann played 'Straight Guys for the Queer Eye" and housewarmed me with the coolest of plants and pots. We went to Bachmans and I got to pick out (with Ann's help) some cool plants to make my house more of a home.
There's that amazing yucca by the bay window and then some lavender and some poisionous plant for the cat to chew on next to the split-pea couch. There's also a hard-to-kill plant next to the piano. The cat has been curious but she's been pretty good so far.
And I also got a big-ass life mask of Ludwig to hang on the wall above the piano. I haven't got the hardware yet to hang him, but he'll be looking down at me while I butcher his music soon.
This place is starting to look like home! Thanks Ann & Dave!
Today was the day of my first-ever complete physical. The procedure starts out ok, the doctor and I chatted about lifestyle stuff. Do I smoke, do I exercise, what do I eat? Do I have a girlfriend/boyfriend? How often do I work? Do I use condoms, etc. You get to be fully dressed during that part.
Then the theme changes dramatically.
"I need you to strip down to your underpants only and put on this gown. It works best with the opening in the back."
Then it's the light in the ears and eyes. Say "Ahhh". Check the reflexes in the knees and ankles. He checks the breathing and listens to my heart. Everything looks good, he says. Breathing is good, heart-rate might be a bit high, though.
You know why the heart-rate might be a bit high, Doc? Beacause I know what's coming next as he glances at the box of blue latex gloves. There are only a few things that those gloves are for. They ain't for taking my blood pressure.
He then reduces my heart-rate somewhat by telling me that since I will be having my yearly colonoscopy in October he doesn't need to check out my prostate. God be praised.
"Now I need you to stand facing me and pull down your shorts."
Here we go. The moment of truth. The Minnesota Nut Roll.
I then stood there facing him with my shorts around my ankles while he had his way with me. Each testicle got what seemed like 20 minutes of exploration and then a few tugs on Li'l Elvis and it was over. Aparently two WAS the number of testicles he was looking for and I was free to re-claim my dignity and be on my way.
I've been instructed to increase my good cholestorol and reduce my bad, try and drop a few pounds and get myself fit by doing 150 minutes of aerobic exercise a day.
12-months and counting until my next one.
I need Chipotle. If I can't have The Taco Stand, God grant me Chipotle. I have a serious addiction to that hot sauce which, naturally, creates a colitis nightmare but I care not. I'm weak, I admit it. I'm powerless over the deliciousness of the hot sauce at Chipotle.
And DAMN Minneapolis for not having a good Persian restaurant. Saint Paul be damned, too.
