Testicular Examination

Today was the day of my first-ever complete physical. The procedure starts out ok, the doctor and I chatted about lifestyle stuff. Do I smoke, do I exercise, what do I eat? Do I have a girlfriend/boyfriend? How often do I work? Do I use condoms, etc. You get to be fully dressed during that part.

Then the theme changes dramatically.

"I need you to strip down to your underpants only and put on this gown. It works best with the opening in the back."

Then it's the light in the ears and eyes. Say "Ahhh". Check the reflexes in the knees and ankles. He checks the breathing and listens to my heart. Everything looks good, he says. Breathing is good, heart-rate might be a bit high, though.

You know why the heart-rate might be a bit high, Doc? Beacause I know what's coming next as he glances at the box of blue latex gloves. There are only a few things that those gloves are for. They ain't for taking my blood pressure.

He then reduces my heart-rate somewhat by telling me that since I will be having my yearly colonoscopy in October he doesn't need to check out my prostate. God be praised.

"Now I need you to stand facing me and pull down your shorts."

Here we go. The moment of truth. The Minnesota Nut Roll.

I then stood there facing him with my shorts around my ankles while he had his way with me. Each testicle got what seemed like 20 minutes of exploration and then a few tugs on Li'l Elvis and it was over. Aparently two WAS the number of testicles he was looking for and I was free to re-claim my dignity and be on my way.

I've been instructed to increase my good cholestorol and reduce my bad, try and drop a few pounds and get myself fit by doing 150 minutes of aerobic exercise a day.

12-months and counting until my next one.

Posted by Michael at January 5, 2004 03:05 PM